Suicidal
by Love Laugh Live Your Life
Summary: Hiccup decides that he wants to die to stop the bullying and non-love from his father. Modern au. Just Be Aware: Contains self harm and a little bit of Hijack. Rated for said harm.


Henry "Hiccup" Haddock looked down at his arm and thought of why he was doing this. The taunts and the hits played in an endless loop, never stopping, actually seeming to get louder and worse as time went on.

"Hey look, it's 'Hiccup The Useless!"'

"Hiccup the weak, can't even do a push-up!"

"Faggot, going to make out with some guy, aren't you."

"Nerd, you have such ugly glasses, here let me help…"

The list went on and on, but the gist was he was unneeded and worthless. A couple of days ago, they even told him to die. And that caused him to think, what if he could do that? What if he could take his own life? It was a daunting prospect, but one not unwelcome. And Hiccup began to plan. And finally, finally, after two days of preparations, he was going to do it. He was going to take his life.

So here he was, a razor from his workshop at Gobber's in his hand, about to take his own life. He was seated in the bathroom on a couch that he managed to drag into the bathroom with him. He wanted to be comfortable, after all it was not everyday you try to take your own life.

He had made some notes for the few people that cared about him: Astrid, Toothless, though he was too young to read, his dad, and Gobber. Four notes, each written in beautiful script his English teacher, Mr. Pitch, would be proud of. (Though after his beloved horse Mare-y died there wasn't too much for him to be proud of.) The people themselves, they were better off without him, or at least that's what he convinced himself.

Hiccup took a breath and was about to do it, when he had a thought. _What if this doesn't take my life? What if I endure this pain for nothing? And why this way? I mean I am a wimp; I might as well admit it now, so why don't I do it some other way?_ Hiccup glanced up at the mirror/ medical cabinet and opened it up.

"Nope. nope, nope, nope. Aha! May cause death if overdosed." Hiccup read out loud.

Hiccup took out five pills, twice the amount recommended for an adult male. _Well we better not chance it._ He thought, pouring a few more into his hand. He was going to do it; he was a second away from doing it when he remembered what the bullies called him. "Hiccup the Weak" He didn't want them to ridicule him, especially in his death, and the razor was definitely more manlier than just some pills. Yes the bullies were very sexist, but that didn't make their words hurt any less.

He placed the open pill bottle on the ground and picked up the razor again. He held his hand over the ground so as not to get his blood on the new white couch. Being the son of the mayor had a few upsides after all. Though his dad being too busy to give him the time of day was one of the downsides and another reason he was doing this.

Hiccup took a deep breath and once again pressed the razor to the skin on his wrist. He cut himself, but at the last minute made it very shallow. This was his practice cut he told himself, the next cut would be the real thing. The first thing that registered was that the cut hurt. It hurt a lot. The cut was not deep, it only went three layers of skin deep, but it still hurt. The pain stopped when Hiccup imagined all of his worries seeping out through that cut in his arm. Then it started to feel good, like a balloon that was letting out all of the air.

It was refreshing, but stopped being refreshing when he saw the blood. Now Hiccup was not afraid of blood at all, he just hated the color red. He never knew why, but ever since he was little he had hated red. He much preferred green. So when he saw his blood welling up and to slowly start dripping on the white and black tiled floor he was repulsed. So repulsed in fact he entertained the idea of doing it with his eyes closed so that he wouldn't see the blood. He rejected that idea though because he didn't want to cut his leg by mistake and then have to watch the blood pour out while he made the fatal cut. Hiccup was about to do the fatal cut when he remembered something he pushed back before. (Even years later he never knew why he chose that moment to think of Jack. Maybe it was because he didn't really want to die and he needed a good reason not to. Maybe because he was worried that if he thought of something happy he wouldn't do it and he really, really wanted to. But whatever the reason, Hiccup chose that moment to reminisce about Jack.)

He remembered Jack, the jokester of his grade, who never bullied Hiccup, who smiled every time he saw Hiccup in school, and most of all the one time Dagur, the lead bully, was bullying him in front of Jack, he actually stepped in to save Hiccup. Now these acts might not seem like much, but to Hiccup, they were everything. Those acts were the reason he didn't try to kill himself the same day the bullies told him to die. But the reason he pushed into the recesses of his mind because he couldn't believe there was hope in the world he lived in. Now though he could face the truth. Jack was the reason Hiccup still had hope in the human race. Because while Gobber tried to bring his spirits up with his terrible advice, he never bothered to inquire why Hiccup was so down. And while Astrid was a good friend, when he was bullied she never stepped in to stand up for him, not even once. And while his dad tried his best to understand Hiccup, especially when Hiccup revealed to him that he was gay, he never told Hiccup that work could wait and that he was more important. And while Toothless was fun to tell stories to and play with, he was too young to understand what the word "gay" or "bully" even meant. The fact of the matter was the people that were closest to him never helped him as much as a stranger did.

So it wasn't all that surprising when Hiccup thought of Jack he put the razor down, and when he thought of everyone else he cared about he convinced himself they were better off without him. It was these thoughts of Jack that had him stay shock still and in the same position when his dad came home two hours later. Stoick had in fact thought the deed was already done when he ran up to the bathroom on the second floor. Now Stoick wasn't expecting this, not by a long run, in fact he only knew what he did because he read the letter addressed to him. However, everything was in the same position as two hours ago. Hiccup was sitting on the couch; blood from one arm was slowly dripping down onto the floor as the other arm that held the razor looked ready to drop onto the floor. A pill bottle was lying unused and open underneath the couch and the medical cabinet's door was opened.

"Oh, son…" Stoick whispered as he took in the scene. Only then was Hiccup startled out of his shock, but when he looked at his dad his eyes showed no hint of shock of seeing his dad there. All they held were sadness.

"I was too weak to do it Dad." Hiccup said.

Stoick couldn't stand the look of sadness on his son's face any more and embraced the bleeding boy.

"No, son. Giving up and embracing death, that's weak. You stopped yourself and that is the strongest thing you could have done." Hiccup slowly dropped the razor to the ground.

"But- but-" Hiccup felt some need to prove he was weak at this point. "But- I did it. See? Right here on my arm." Hiccup said showing Stoick his slowly bleeding arm.

Stoick got up and got a wet washcloth and a Band-Aid from the medical cabinet. He held the wet washcloth on the bleeding arm until the blood stopped. Then he put the Band-Aid on the cut. Lastly he kissed it gently, his long red beard scrapping the Band-Aid lightly.

"There you go, all better." Stoick said with tears in his eyes. Hiccup looked up at Stoick as if he was finally seeing him.

"I love you Dad."

"I love you too son, more than you could know."

The next day in school no one guessed that Hiccup tried to kill himself; in fact the school day was plainly normal. At least until the bullies came up to Hiccup, then everything changed. First it was Dagur.

"Hey fag, how are you doing today?" When Hiccup didn't respond, Dagur tried a different tactic.

"Why don't you just do us all a favor and kill yourself? Huh? Why don't you?"

At this, Hiccup finally spoke up.

"You know I tried that yesterday." At this Astrid's, who was watching nearby, eyes widened in shock. She never expected Hiccup to try something like that. She thought this was all harmless fun. She didn't expect Hiccup to take them seriously.

Hiccup continued, "And I found out that most of the people I care about don't understand me at all. And that's really sad because they would have never known how much I loved them."

At this a small crowd started to form around Hiccup, and seemed to actually agree with what he was saying. One of these people was Jack, who thought it was another fight and rushed over to help whoever was being bullied. He was pleasantly surprised when he found that it wasn't a fight at all and was Hiccup just talking calmly to the bullies. He was shocked though, when he heard the next words out of Hiccup's mouth.

"I almost did it three times and I actually cut myself once, but in the end I didn't do it because of Jack. Now don't you go bully Jack, because I am gay and I like him. What I want you to know is that you could have been the cause of my death and the only reason I didn't was because of a person that actually tried to help me." At this a few people winced in clear guilt.

"And now, now," Hiccup laughed a little drily. "I don't want to be weak anymore, I want to be strong. And the strongest thing I can do in this moment is walk away."

And Hiccup did just that, bumping Jack's shoulder on the way out of the now formed circle. Then Hiccup called his dad, who had stayed home that day, in case Hiccup needed him. Hiccup's dad picked him up within twenty minutes, leaving the bullies as well as his peers in shocked silence. Shocked silence because Hiccup, Hiccup the weak, Hiccup the defenseless, had finally snapped.

3 Years Later

"Are you sure about this Hiccup? Absolutely, 100% sure?" Jack asked, searching his boyfriend's eyes for any hint of doubt.

"Yes, I am sure." Hiccup gave Jack a little peck on his lips; "I'll call you when it's done."

The two boys had been together for a year and a half, a wild year and a half. Dagur had stopped bothering Hiccup after his little rant, although the fact that Jack threatened him didn't hurt. Jack and Hiccup became friends when Jack admitted that he was gay too. The two boys were always hanging out and had recently expanded their group to accommodate Sandy, Nick, Aster, and Ana as well as Astrid who apologized for not standing up for Hiccup.

Hiccup, after his outburst had a tough year, where he couldn't decide whether it was better to do the deed or stay around. Though he knew from that night that if he were going to commit suicide it would not be by cutting. In the end though, he was really glad when Jack asked him out, it was one of the biggest decisions he had ever made, but the best. Now Hiccup was much happier than he ever was before. So for that, he was glad he did attempt suicide because he had something he didn't before, real friends and a real family. Oh, I knew I forgot something! Stoick! Well Stoick tried to be more understanding towards Hiccup, though some things were still awkward. He also asked for more vacation days then before and made sure that he had at least one dinner a week with his son, without having to run off. It was just a start, but that was enough for Hiccup.

Today, Hiccup decided to get a tattoo to remind him of that night and of how glad he had his new life. The tattoo was a simple black stripe across his left arm. It symbolized that one cut he made on his arm that night. It cost 30 bucks, but to Hiccup it was worth it. When Hiccup felt the needle go into his skin, it felt like the cut he made three years ago. But this time it was good pain, because he knew this was creating something rather than taking something away. In that moment, Hiccup knew he would be coming back soon.

**Review please! I haven't have any personal experience with cutting or self harm, so I am sorry if this seems a little odd or misplaced for someone that wants to die. If you have wanted to do such a thing I am sorry that your life seems so bad that you felt, or maybe feel, the need to end it, but I don't know if suicide is the answer. Like I said I have no personal encounters with suicide, but I can admit I have thought about it, briefly. **

**Edit: I love this one-shot and I am thinking about doing a follow-up. What do you guys think? If I get a "yes" or even a "maybe" I will plan on writing it.  
**

**Second Edit: I haven't got any responses, so I am going to assume that you guys don't want another chapter.**


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